musings of a weary mind

*breathes out*
Glad it's near the end of the week! Been a long and packed week . Hmm this weekend's gonna be pretty packed though... i think i'll be more glad when next monday comes. Actually it never seems to end sometimes, though that's not necessarily bad. A couple of nights ago i had a little discussion of sorts with someone, who said that we start school at a young age... then we move into primary school then high school, then most likely uni, then out to work. You spend 40 years or so in a job or jobs, which u'll like if you're lucky, perhaps getting married and having kids, then you finally reach retirement. But when you've retired, you're too old to do anything, can't move around as well, don't think as well perhaps. Then you rot on ur way to death.
Quite depressing and pessimistic
But true
Some of my friends think that we're too young to be thinking about the 'deeper issues' of life, i.e. God and religion. But in my opinion, though we may be young, we may actually be quite advanced in age. By that i mean we think we're young because we've been told that life expectancy for us is 76 for males and 84 for females (approximate ages anyway). But what if we have only one more year left, then relatively, we're almost at the finish line. Anyway, bottom line is we don't know when our life will end, so how can we be so sure that we'll have the time to look into those 'deeper issues' of life later?

*yawn*
A very selfish thought and desire, but what i'd like now is to go somewhere far far away, an island or something, where no one can find me, and just stay there for a day or so hehe. An island with a beach and somewhere with lovely sunrises and sunsets. Or, i'd be happy to stay in my warm and comfy bed, and spend a whole day with my lovely quilt, pillow, my doggie, and my dreams! Hehe a friend of mine once slept for more than 24hrs in one go... woah! Hehe i reckon that if i do so, i'll wake up with a major headache!
Really like watching the sun rising =) Woke up really early on wed morning to study, and God showed me such a beautiful sunrise! Such an awesome splendour, a reminder of His beauty, power and grace =)

Had a pretty good chat with this friend at cumbo the other day, about guys (or in our cases, the lack of) =P After a while, we got talking about why we're not going out with anyone at the moment. She told me that her main reason is that she's unable to trust a guy enough, or anyone enough for that matter, not even herself. She said that some guys would be especially nice to u when they're chasing u or going out with you, but will be completely different once you're married, or he's "got" you. A relationship between a husband and wife (bf and gf) would be the most intimate relationship two human beings can have, and is completely open. She's worried that after she opens up herself completely to another human being, that person will do something that'll hurt or harm her.

On hearing her views, i felt pretty sad. To not be able to trust people would make life really difficult and unenjoyable. Not being able to trust a certain someone enough hasnt really been something i've thought about before, i admit. Maybe im too (as my parents and bro put it) "naive". Maybe i try and see good in others instead of being suspicious and all. Actually, i would prefer to just see good in others! But yeah her views did make me think a bit.

Hehe my mind is rapidly switching off now, bit by bit =P But in short, i don't think i trust myself either. And some guys i wouldnt be able to trust enough either, enough to have such an intimate an long lasting relationship with, to share my life with completely. Actually, come to think of it, i'm not sure if there is any guy whom i can trust completely and utterly.
BUT
i have faith in my Lord and his Lord - Jesus Christ
how will i be able to trust a guy completely, to open up myself totally to, to have the most intimate relationship possible with, to live the rest of my days here on earth with ??
my personal view is that
- if the guy's master is not the Lord, i don't think i'd be able to have that trust in him
- if i did not know Christ, i wouldn't trust myself at all ... not that i trust myself now anyway

anyway, can't think anymore ... gonna go relieve myself =)

100th post!

Just back from St Johns meeting, after not having been for more than a month! Nice peaceful drive until these two cars decided to fully speed and race past on either side of me on victoria rd on the way back. such dangerous drivers, hope they'll be ok and all

Ohhh a random fact i picked up tonight at St Johns. I've wondered about why the toilet lights at Central station are blue/purple for females (perhaps for the male toilets too, but i wouldnt know). Assumed that they have such a shade to make the toilets prettier! Hehe but it's actually a way of preventing people from injecting drugs into themselves in the toilets, cos with blue/purple lighting, they wouldn't be able to see the veins they have to poke the syringe into.

Anyway, work's been calling me everyday these past two days, so now i'll be working friday as well i think =( Was worried about how to manage and balance my time, but God's soothed my concerns by letting me cancel St Johns. My supervisor person is so nice! I was worried about pulling out of tmr because it's a big State duty and all, and i wasnt sure about their regulations, but now i've been permitted to turn up if i want and if i don't then it's not a problem =) or, i could go on thurs, something i hadnt known would be possible!! yay! really would like to go though, see how things turn out i guess

Been watching so many girly movies lately! For the record:

Sat night - A walk to remember (boohoo movie), Hitch (is that a girly movie?)
Sun night - Memoirs of a Geisha
Mon night - this chinese girly series my parents have been watching...last episode tonight or something
Tues late morning/early arvo - How to lose a guy in 10 days, Win a date with Tad Williams

Hehe never before have i watched so many chicks flicks in so short a period of time! Been great though, spending time with girls and girls only =) But yeah was reminded by how the relationships presented are so idealistic, and in most cases, so unrealistic. Even when things don't seem perfect, they end up being so perfect. Far be it in real life. On the contrary, i reckon relationships require hard work to say the least. Someone once said that falling in a love (loving someone and him or her loving you back) is a miracle, and in a sense, i'd agree. Difficult, in my opinion, to not let the society, the films, the novels, other people's relationships (even those u admire), set all your ideals for ur relationship ... but rather, letting God, His living Word, letting love do so ... or maybe i've just got the idea completely wrong at the moment. Hmm i'll think about it more later ... mum's calling me to drink soup =) hehe just got home and kinda missed dinner, unless u count pecan pie dinner =P

don't like spiders...gave me a red hand !!

Was completely conked out this morning, didnt wake up till noon, having slept past the phone ringing and my mum making brekkie and i think my alarm clock as well (the one that usually gives me a heart attack)! Stayed up last night chatting to my brother, awesome chat about what Easter means, and what other religions are about, and the issue of suffering =)

Hmm exams coming up ... need to study ... bit worried about how im gonna fit it in, when my week looks like this:


Tuesday
- Dee's place for eu female leaders' get-together
- St Johns meeting/training night

Wednesday
- Work (just been called in, sounded a little desperate) ... morning shift too grrrrr
- Funeral service at Church in the morning
- St Johns duty at Easter Show (called my supervisor person already but still don't know what to do)
- And i'm sure there's something on at night

Thursday
- Work ... afternoon shift
- Tutoring ... chemistry

Friday
- Dental appointment
- Party at a uni friend's place at night (in Seaforth ... aiya!!)

Saturday
- Uni friend's 21st! (pool party in the middle of autumn when there was the whole of summer hehe =P)
- 'Piano Stories' at the Conservatorium of Music (a definite miss!!)
- there should be something on in the morning, but it's slipped my mind right now

Sunday
- Music rehearsal in the afternoon before service


I guess looking at it now, the main problems are tues and wed ... what to cut out and what to keep i wonder ...

Added to that, the spider that escaped has still not been found !
Don't want it in my bed tonight >.< ohhh had such a weird dream last night. dreamt that there's this little girl (around 9 years old) who i knew in my dream (but don't think i do in real life) whose heart had been damaged, and needed a heart transplant. In my dream, i was the donor, with the transplant scheduled in a few days time! Hehe and i was happy about that actually, knowing that what lies beyond this life far outweighs what is present, happy to give this little girl a chance to grow up and come to know God =) Woke up thinking what to do if i have only a couple of days to live!

See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down.
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown.

So, what led to the previous entry?

Yes, there was some stuff that led me to post up the previous post (sharing from 2 Corinthians 4)

Last friday felt so long. I hardly ever blog about my days in such detail, but here's friday!

After classes at main campus (one of which is skipped cos it was going through the basics of differentiation and it was nicer to sleep in my bed as opposed to the wooden lecture bench), a group assignment took my two friends and i over the cumbo. It was so nice of my friend to drive us (thanks Ben!) there and back to Central. Left main campus at 10ish, got to cumbo by around 1030, worked on the assignment, before getting dropped off at Central at 1230pm. Then caught an express to Eastwood, hopped off to get some stuff, then onto a normal train to Penno. After like a fortnight (more that that i think) of getting 5-6 hrs sleep every night, i almost stumbled into the nursing home at 130ish. Helped out with some documentation stuff before heading downstairs into the kitchen at around 2. After saying hi to a couple of other people, i was briefed by the previous shift. First thing on the list: two residents passed away a couple of days ago.

I've worked at the nursing home for around 2 months, and slowly, i've come to know most of the residents there, by name anyway. When i first started working there, they were 40 faces that looked pretty similar, some wearing the same first names. But over the past 2 months, i've come to know first and foremost, their dietary needs and habits, then a little bit about them as people. The head cook has helped me remember some of them by pointing out special characteristics and some of their personal history that she knows. I guess what i'm saying is that although i havent spent much time with them at all as yet, ive got to know some of them okay. What i'd really like to improve on is using what i know about them to help them! If a certain way of presenting their food to them will make them eat more, for instance, then i pray i can use that knowledge in love for them.

Hmm got side tracked. But yeah those two residents who passed away were two who i've got to know a bit. One was a shock to me, cause i thought she was going ok (well i hadnt worked for like two weeks so i guess things can change quite quickly). The other one wasnt doing too well, so less of a shock perhaps. I remember their faces clearly, and the way they would call out to nurses, etc. One of them always talked about how the room wasnt cold enough even though i was on the verge of shivering when i was in there, asking for more water when her water bottle was full. I hated walking away from her, but i was needed elsewhere and "she's always like that". Actually, it's like that with some other residents as well. They think i'm a nurse and call me to help them as a nurse, but some things i can't do for them (e.g. raising their bed when im serving tea - hygiene issues as well as incompetency). There's this one resident who is depressed and goes on about stuff. I once walked her around the nursing home, talking to her, which i think she appreciated, but because i need to prepare dinner, etc, i can't spend much time with her like that =( the nurses tell me that she's always like that, and there's no need, but is ignoring the resident, knowing he or she will most likely forget about it really soon, a loving thing to do? Does it please God? Does it love our neighbours as ourselves?

A few thoughts whirled around in my mind throughout the shift, especially when i passed the empty beds. Could i have done this? I should've done this. I should've done that. What could i have done? How did she feel? I should do that. Did they know Christ? On the way home, i reflected on the brevity of life on earth. We're born. We live through childhood, adolescence, adulthood, old age... and that's if we live that long. My friend (my age) got hit by a drunk driver as he was riding his bike half a year ago. He was "lucky" to leave the scene alive, though battered and bruised, with a broken back. We come onto the stage we call "earth", play a part, then step down. We may be born into a rich family, smart enough to top our classes, become a lawyer, work at a huge firm, earn heaps of money, marry someone you love and have great kids, no mortgage or anything. Then you deteriorate and decay. And you leave this life that you've worked so hard for and come to treasure. And what's the meaning in it? Is there a purpose?

I got home in time for dinner, and in front of me were three relationships i realised i need to devote more time to and treasure more. My dad... the urgency!! I talked to my mum about what had happened at the nursing home, which helped. Then came dishwashing, and bummed a little bit around the house, then went online.

Was so tired by this time. My friend told me that an acquaintance of ours from ECU (cumbo) passed away last tues =( That was even more of a shock to me.

I can't say i knew him well, but Ron was a Christian who attended ECU. A genetic disease confined him to a wheelchair, and unable to use both arms as per normal. It was always encouraging to see him full of life, going around in his wheelchair, attending classes and lunchtime Bible teaching. I remember meeting him during orientation week at the beginning of last year, getting to know him a bit. Last year i wasn't at Cumbo much, and as a result, my involvement with ECU has become minimal, so it was only on a rare occasion that i saw Ron at lunchtime bible teaching. I remember chatting to him a few times, but regrettably, never got to know him beyond an acquaintance. My heart rejoices, however, because i know that he's now peacefully with our Father in Heaven, and part (if not all) of his life on earth was lived in relationship with Him.

Friday night i just broke down. All these thoughts, and unable to drag myself up the stairs until after i drifted off on the couch for a while. I was reminded once again of the brevity of life on earth, and the lack of meaning and purpose for those who don't know God, the need to life each day to the full, as though it were our last here on earth, to treasure the relationships we've been blessed with, to live in a way that brings God glory, to grow in relationship with our Father, to be a servant of the Gospel, to love!! Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbour as yourself. I'm greatly humbled by God's love for us, and by the brothers and sisters who reflect God's love, His gracious character. So much growth needed. It frustrates me sometimes, being incapable of loving God and others, argh!! To know God, to live in a right relationship with Him, for which we were created, to love for God is love - the purpose and meaning in life.

I'm reminded of a recent EU public meeting talk on 2 Thessalonians 1, particularly 1:7-10. Paul writes about our destination in life. Jesus will be revealed majestically, present and inescapably visible. When we see Him as Himself,we will have a deep and abiding marvel at him and stand in awe (will we even be able to stand, i wonder). The world is heading towards Jesus, and for some, the day of the Lord's coming will be the single worst day, with everlasting destruction. Some people seem to belittle hell - "What is hell", "Where the hell is that" - hell is not something we can joke about, to joke about eternal destruction! Hell is real, fair, and final.

Which option will you choose today?
Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him. (John 3:36)


Wow that was long... wonder if anyone read all of it! On a completely different note, Australia's into the semi-finals of the Davis Cup! Woah!! Calls for a celebration i reckon hehe! How should i celebrate... chocolate? permissimon? (Hehe i can never spell that correctly... it's an orange fruit =P)

Treasures in jars of clay

Some sharing for Girls Group around two months ago:


As some of you might know, I started working at a nursing home as a kitchenhand a month and a half ago. Working in a nursing home has been great, serving the elderly people as well as gaining experience of what goes on in the kitchen. If I work a day shift, there is the cook there working with me, and if I work an afternoon shift, I’m on my own in the kitchen. But whether it be day or afternoon, I’m always working for the elderly residents there, that doesn’t change. In fact, nothing changes except for the menu and the residents’ faces. If I don’t work there for a fortnight, I can be certain that there will be one new face there, and an old face gone. Most of the time, the old face goes because the resident has passed away.

Serving the elderly is great because they’ve done so much and they need to be looked after and respected now. Sometimes, however, it puts an emotional strain on me when all I see around me is deterioration. The residents never grow and develop like children do, all we seem to be able to do is to help slow down their rates of deterioration and degradation.

Such a reflection reminded me a talk I heard at the end of last year on 2 Corinthians 4. (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20corinthians%204;&version=31;) That chapter really spoke to me just recently during my quiet times, giving me great encouragement, particularly in terms of spreading the gospel. I find that ministry can be so difficult and seemingly hopeless sometimes, part of the reason found in 2 Corinthians 4:4: “The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.” Also, we can continually wasting away outwardly (2 Cor 4:16). From the moment we’re born, we’re inching slowly towards the other end – death. Our bodies will decay, things will slow down, and eventually stop. I’m reminded of this so vividly at the nursing home. So sometimes carrying God’s good news to the ends of the earth seems hopeless.

But even though we’re wasting away, “inwardly we are being renewed day by day” (2 Cor 4:16). What awaits us eternally far outweighs what is. Paul paints a picture of treasures in jars of clay – the gospel being the treasure placed in clay jars that have little value or beauty and do not attract attention to themselves or their precious contents. We are so full of life even when we are always being given over to death, for Jesus’ life may then be revealed in our decaying body. What really encourages me is that God’s power surpasses all the difficulties and degradation. It is not us, but Him! “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Cor 4:8-9).

Weekend away!

EU science weekend was great! Was better than expected. Hehe some highlights:

- The talk on Perseverance was awesome, and delved deeper than most of us had expected (Romans 8 and Hebrews 12:1-2) !! The discussion groups were pretty good, and so was question time! (i should type some of the notes up, so more about that soon hopefully!)
- Wonderful fellowship with such lovely brothers and sisters throughout the weekend =) So encouraged and inspired by them, seeing God's love shine through them, their servant hearts, their enthusiasm, their passion for God
- Star gazing outside in the cold ... thirteen of us huddling together =) hehe saw a shooting star!!! (yeah i know it's just a piece of debris flying through the universal, but still!) was really good, adding to the already wonderful fellowship over the weekend
- Getting to know my co-leader better was awesome! He's such a wonderful brother in Christ, very inspiring, very encouraging =) Hehe fully treats me as a little sister (even though im a month older than him grrrr =P) but i always think of him as an older brother so it suits me fine hehe...esp with how i always gotta look up when talking to him when we're walking together or something! He almost picked me up and slung me over his shoulder as we were sword fighting =P looks out for me and definitely encourages me purposefully, like sending me an SMS on monday morning, by way of encouraging me for my exam,even though he's leads a busy life himself!! and the train trip to Lawson too ... hehe it took like 2hrs to get there, but it seriously felt as though it was half an hour!
- Pegging =P im slowly learning the art of pegging well =P hehe ohhh yesterday evening getting back from uni was great ... i really appreciated the company on the train - esp two wonderful brothers who really lifted my day up. Hope they enjoyed ganging up on and bullying me =P having to carry me and run to the station in order to make that train cos my legs are too short....pffffft =P although if it didnt mean it'd make life hard for them, i wouldnt have minded not having to expend energy hehe!
- Music! Some of us just got into a small group and sang together, sometimes with someone playing the piano =) Was great how there were some songs we all knew and could sing along to. Singing without the lyrics really makes u think about what u're singing, which was good, cos sometimes (personally speaking anyway) i sing or play without paying enough attention to what im singing. Ohhh..... literally speaking, there's this line in "You are my king" that's not exactly in line with what Romans 8 teaches!